Archive | January, 2013

Write a Letter to Yourself to Read when the 1001 Days Are Over…….

12 Jan

Friday, October 19, 2012

Mindi,

You should be reading this on May 07th, 2015. I really hope you have stuck with this task and completed your entire list. There is a lot on there but it is all things I thought you would be able to do. You have to work hard to make your life as good as you want it to be, you cant just sit back and expect life to be amazing without putting any work in.

You should have graduated or be days away from graduating with a BS degree. I am so, incredibly proud of you! You have worked so hard to get where you are, DO NOT GIVE UP! You are an amazing person, and you are smart. Life will take you wherever you ask to go.

I really hope you have enjoyed the personal reflection that this should have given you. I also hope you remember to make a book out of all the things you completed! It will be something amazing to look back on when you are 80 years old and trying to remember the fun.

Right now, Chloe is a handful, but she loves you. She is just a hardheaded child. She is in love with Tinkerbell right now, and called your internship “interviewing”. She also said “mom, I have these bumps on my tongue” I told her they were taste buds, and she said “yeah, that’s right mom, taste bugs” haha.

Nevaeh is obsessed with Hello Kitty right now. Every time she sees Hello kitty she starts to get all excited and jump up and down. She is learning so quickly.

Junior’s favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba, and he always says “Hello Again”. Becareful that boy is a handful.

Madi is just starting to eat food, and he says Dada and Mama.

Please continue to work for everything you want in life. Don’t forget how much you love your husband, and remember, life is too short.

Love always
Me

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The Day It Started

12 Jan

01.12.2004

I had a lump in my breast and I was scheduled to have surgery at 8 AM.  My best friend in the whole world was staying over, and skipping school to walk me through my surgery.

At 3:30 AM we were woke up, my mom and step dad had made an amazing breakfast.  Everything I could have wanted.  Hashbrowns.  Over-easy eggs.  Sausage links.  Biscuits and gravy.   I was not allowed to eat any of it because I had to fast until after surgery.  As I sat there watching them eat I just remember being so angry.  Why would they wake me up to watch them eat?  Why couldn’t I just sleep longer while they ate? 

At 4:30 we were finally in the van and on our way.  I had to be at the hospital by 5, and get prepped.  The ride was mostly silent.  I worried…about death…disfigurement…you know…normal fears for any 16 year old going under surgery on her already-too-small-boobs.

The next few hours were a bit of a blur…questions, measuring, explaining, and then they began to put me under.  I remember them telling me to count backwards from 100 as they wheeled me down the hall.  The lights above me turned into a streak of rainbows, a good sign I told myself.  100..99..98…

Then it was 12:30, a nurse was trying to wake me up and I was fighting her. 

“I have to be asleep for surgery” I snapped through my fog
“Sweetie, surgery is over, you are in recovery” she informed me softly.
“Are you sure? I was just in the hall” I said confused.
“Yes, you are all bandaged up” She said

I looked down, and saw the bandage wrapped around my breast.  I made it!  I survived surgery.  I was wheeled back into the room.  I can tell you that I was still very drugged.  When I got to the room, the nurse said my family had stepped out and they would be back shortly.  I fell back asleep.

I woke up a while later to their voices talking about lunch.  They had stopped and gotten another one of my favorites, Chinese food. 

“Will you get me some when I get released?”-I asked
“No, I will make you something when we get home”-My mom replied

I closed my eyes again and went back to sleep.  I felt a little bit of betrayal.  I was the one in surgery, why didn’t I get good food, for you know, living through it.  The doctor came in eventually.

‘The sample will be sent back for testing and we will call you with the results, there is a possibility of another lump forming, if that happens, come back for an appointment.’ He said matter-of-factly.
“How big was it?” I inquired
“It was about an inch wide and two inches long.  We had to sever your nipple tissue and cut it out, and then reattach it.  There will be a significant breast size difference and breastfeeding in the future from the affected breast will probably not be successful” he informed me.

With that, I was released. 

I had been made a promise, that I could adopt a cat from the shelter when I woke up.  So we went to the shelter and got a cat.  She was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.  She was a golden yellow, and had abnormal paws, instead of 4 little fingers, she had 5.  I named her MnM and little did I know how much she would help me cope over the next year.

We drove back home, the car ride is blurry.  I don’t remember much.  I was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia.  My mom had me lay in her bed, so I could watch TV and she could take care of me.  She heated me up a can of soup and I mostly slept.  We changed my bandage around 6.  After that I fell back asleep…

At some point my step dad climbed into bed with me.  I didn’t think anything of it, in our house it was normal for me to lay in their bed when I was sick, and he had laid next to me many times.  He was my dad.  Through the fog of the medicine, I remember feeling him grab my ass.

I pushed his hand away, confused, and drifted back to sleep, I woke up to him massaging the breast that had not had surgery.

“What are you doing” I mumbled
“Helping the pain” he said
“Stop it” I said
“Don’t talk to me like that, you’re the child I am the adult, I tell you what to do remember?” He seethed

I rolled onto my stomach and bit back the tears from the pain of laying on my open wound.  I closed my eyes and just counted. 

1…..2…..3….his hand slapped my ass…4…..5….6….7…he began massaging it….9….10….11….12..his hand slipped between my legs and I felt him rub my thighs..13..14..15..16—

“MINDI” my mom yelled from the kitchen.  His hand went back to his side, he stopped touching me.
“Yes mom”-I replied, my voice weak and quivering.  She came running in the room, as I was sitting up.  My bandages were soaked in blood, I had ripped the wound open by laying on it.  
“Ohmygod, how did that happen!?” she shouted
“She must have slept on her stomach” he offered before I could say anything.
“Mom, I am fine, Ill change it myself”.  I said quickly.  I grabbed all my supplies and left.  I went into my bedroom and changed the bandage.  MnM was curled up on my bed, so I laid by her. 

“It was the medicine, you’re hallucinating, he’s your dad, he would never do that to you” I kept telling myself as I drifted off to sleep.  I had to be back at school tomorrow, and all I wanted to do was forget the day I had surgery.  I wanted it to go back to being my Cousin’s birthday, and absolutely nothing more, but little did I know it never would.

101 Things I have Already Accomplished

11 Jan

Here is a list of things I have achieved already!

1. Got a certificate in Business Services.
2. Purchased a home
3. Purchased a one year old car and paid in cash for it.
4. Graduated top of my class in high school.
5. Aged out of foster care
6. Got Married
7. Gave birth to Chloe
8. Gave birth to Nevaeh
9. Gave birth to Maddox
10. Gave birth to Junior
11. Worked for a year as a volunteer on a rape crisis hotline
12. Climbed 56 floors of stairs in 58 minutes (Fight for air climb)
13. Successfully grew two tomato plants
14. Made bread from scratch
15. Learned how to ride a jetski
16. Moved to my dream city [denver]
17. Learned to sew!!
18. Adopted a dog from the humane society
19. Went to Mall of America
20. Stayed Married longer than my mom and dad
21. Had a relationship last longer than 7 years (still counting)
22. Learned CPR
23. Made it to world finals for Odyssey of the Mind
24. Spent a night in jail
25. Rode a Greyhound Bus across the country
26. Swam in the ocean
27. Learned to drive a manual
28. Made an apple pie from scratch
29. Been to a Rockies game
30. Got confirmed
31. Swam in the hotsprings
32. Went to the Great Sand Dunes National Park
33. Went to White Sands National Park
34. Went to the St. Louis Arch
35. Gone camping
36. Stood exactly one mile high above sea level
37. Met someone famous “billy gilman”
38. Met an online friend (Katia)
39. Lived in a convent
40. Rode on a roller-coaster
41. Watch an eclipse
42. Kept a journal for 5 years
43. Shot a deer
44. Bought a Kitchenaide
45. Learned to swim
46. Learned how to Loom
47. Went to Mt Rushmore
48. Driven up Pikes Peak
49. Rode in an 18 wheeler
50. Rode a horse
51. Made a clay pot
52. Been to A Billy The Kid hideout
53. Went to the top of Grandad’s Bluff (Wisconsin)
54. Been to the Packer Hall of Fame
55. Got a state internship
56. Overcome homelessness
57. Been to Mexico
58. Gotten in a car accident
59. Eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters
60. Had surgery
61. Gotten a tattoo
62. Cast my vote in an election
63. Been to the capital building of Colorado
64. Been to Red Rocks
65. Gone to a Midnight Premier
66. Had over 10,000 dollars cash in my hand
67. Had a pet snake
68. Eaten at a place many famous people eat at (The Fort)
69. Made a charitable donation
70. Had a poem published
71. Watched every SUV episode made to date.
72. Been to Casa Bonita
73. Visited the Columbine Memorial
74. Been to DIA (but never on a plane)
75. Testified against my step father
76. Confronted my mom for what she did
77. Watched the entire Lost Series
78. Been in a poly relationship.
79. Had a prison penpal
80. Had a threesome
81. Homeschooled
82. Gave a speech at my grandmothers funeral
83. Met my Great Grandfather
84. Camped out for Black Friday
85. Successfully gave something up for lent
86. Decorated a cake
87. Been a sales consultant
88. Ran a meet up group.
89. Driven a natural gas vehicle
90. Made a Rachel Ray Recipe
91. Gotten a drivers license
92. Been to the Angel Museum (Janesville WI)
93. Driven in Chicago
94. Gone hiking
95. Climbed to the top of the highest building in Denver
96. Got accepted to a University
97. Used Skype!
98. Drank farm fresh milk
99. Been to a water park
100. Rode on a Duck in the Wisconsin River
101. Watched my High School Team play a state championship game.

What If?

11 Jan

Last night I talked about how I couldn’t sleep.

I was thinking about grooming behavior.  I was thinking about the signs my mom may have missed.

And then, I had a moment of clarity.

When I went through puberty he began to tell me things.

He used to tell me that he heard me masturbating in my sleep, and I should keep it down at night.  He would tell me that I woke him up again last night. 

The problem is, in the 8 years we have been together my husband has never caught me….the dreams I had those nights were dark, not sexy.  I remember feeling violated every single time he would say it. 

My mind then started wondering, what if he started violating me in my sleep before he did it when I was awake.  I sleep through damn near everything except my crying babies.  I would wake up with no underwear on and I thought I just took them off in my sleep…or my brain convinced me of that to protect me.

If the abuse started before I was 16 would it change that I was abused?

No, a day, a week, or a year is too long for abuse, so the length of time is irrelevant.

Would it make me more of a victim? 

Nope.

So why am I dwelling on it?  Why do I feel like I need the answer?

Cause I am a masochist? 

100 Things That Make Me Happy

10 Jan

1. My children’s laughter

2. A Green Bay Packer win

3. Visits from old friends/family members

4. A free kindle book that I am actually interested in reading!

5. My husband telling he loves me from the edge of his heart to the tip of his soul

6. Looking at pictures of people I love.

7. Getting a letter in the mail.

8. Compliments

9. Thunderstorms

10. Cuddling

11. A day off

12. A hot bath!

13. Season Premiers

14. Payday!

15. A jetski ride on a hot day

16. A trip back home

17. The mountain view

18. Baby milestones and watching my kids meet them!

19. Cheese Curds

20. Palisade Peaches!

21. Birthdays

22. Lefse

23. Sleeping In

24. The smell of a real Christmas tree

25. The look of a fresh snow!

26. Helping people

27. Meeting an online friend!

28. An open seat on the bus

29. Being early!

30. Cancelled Class

31. Passing a test

32. Road Trips

33. Hearing an I Fight Dragons song on the radio

34. Free things!

35. Campfires

36. The first snow

37. Hoodie weather

38. Stumbling over an old picture

39. A finished project

40. Full tank of gas

41. An email to read that isn’t spam!

42. R2D2

43. Trying a new recipe and my kids liking it

44. New comments on my Bloop!

45. The last day of a semester

46. A job offer

47. Super Mario Brothers!

48. A zero balance on a bill

49. Purple pen ink

50. Looming

51. My girls getting a green day at school.

52. My birthday

53. Romance

54. NO TRAFFIC

55. Winning

56. Disney Songs

57. Pink Rockstars

58. GOOD Chinese food

59. Fresh Fries

60. Extra Credit.

61. Being appreciated

62. Succeeding at something new

63. Blanket right out of the dryer

64. Blooper reels from a film

65. Adam Sandler’s old movies

66. Freezer meals

67. Saving Money

68. Giving a gift to someone

69. Diamond Candles

70. A new book by Lisa Gardner

71. Pink Things

72. Being thought of

73. Family Dinner

74. Full battery on my phone

75. Memories of my Auntie and Uncle

76. Ladybugs

77. Old school video games

78. New Glasses

79. Soup

80. Crossing something off my to do list

81. Laughing until my sides hurt

82. Being in love

83. True friends

84. Being a mom

85. All natural remedies

85. Losing weight

86. Vicks Kleenex

87. Positive pregnancy test

88. Being a wife

89. Good service

90. Being understood

91. Food ready to harvest

92. Dreaming of my future

93. Writing

94. Visiting someplace new

95. Learning

96. Anti-anxiety medicine

97. Being right

98. Meeting new people

99. Naps

100. Snow Days!

Let’s Revist Day Zero List

9 Jan

A day zero project is a list of 101 days you want to accomplish is 1001 days!
Here is my list

You can also follow my progress here.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Aug 09, 2012 – May 07, 2015

Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
Leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find
Get a job (I have actually gotten two since this started, but as they were both temporary they have both ended).
Watch 26 movies I’ve never seen starting with each letter of the Alphabet
Go on a road trip
Complete a 365 day photo challenge
Go on a picnic
Build a snowman
Ride in a hot air balloon
Make a birthday cake for someone (I made a ladybug cake for my friends daughter who turned 1)
Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor
Read 100 books
Get a passport
Graduate
Identify 100 things that make me happy (I will be posting this list tomorrow)
Influence a person to make a day zero list (I have influenced at least 3)
Spend a rainy day watching films in my PJ’s
See a drive-in movie
Visit the Grand Canyon (Arizona)
Go to Las Vegas
Learn a poem by heart
Make a custom recipe book
Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet
Make homemade pasta noodles
Make a list of my 10 favorite restaurants to eat at. Eat at each and photograph
Make a list of cities I want to visit
Make a list of friends to keep in touch with regularly (I have made this one)
Make a list of 20 things that I like about myself and stick it to my mirror (I just havent stuck it to my mirror.)
Read 20 book from Modern Library’s List of 100 Best Books of the 20th Century
Set up an emergency fund
Tip 100%
Save a 3-month emergency fund
Make fondue
Try 20 new recipes
Learn to make corn chowder (It was the most amazing corn chowder I have ever eaten)
Go to 10 restaurants I’ve never eaten in before
Make a three course meal for my family
Try 5 new cocktails
Go a month without eating fast food
Open a cookbook to a random page and make whatever is on it
Try sushi (I tried a CRUNCH roll, it was so yummy)
Stop drinking soda
Go on a brewery tour
Learn how to make sushi
Make a cheesecake from scratch (Super easy, and super good)
Visit a new city
Visit one new state
Make a list of 50 places I would like to visit in my lifetime
Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days is over (I will be posting that here as well, I have completed it though.)
Write another list of 101 things to do for the next 1001 days
Write 1000 words a day for a month
Write a short story only using alphabet spaghetti
Pick 5 people who have changed my life and write each of them a letter
Write a living will
Write on 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/ (I have written on one, I need to get on this)
Buy a moleskine
Participate in NaNoWriMo
Write a love letter to my husband
Write a list of 101 things I’ve already achieved in this lifetime (This has been completed, it will be posted to this blog)
Write a handwritten letter to someone (Completed)
Write a list of 100 things that make me angry
Go a whole week without swearing
Write a personal mission statement
Compliment someone every day for a week
Go a week with no cellphone, computer or TV
Take a Young Me Now Me picture http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/
Buy a professional camera
Get my picture taken with Santa
Document a “day in my life” in photographs
Take a picture of myself everyday for a year
Take pictures in a photo booth
Have dinner by candlelight
Climb a mountain
Keep a “My Day in Six Words” journal for 6 months
Research my family tree (I learned a lot!)
Discover some new podcasts to listen to (Complete)
Start a compost bin
Have a yard sale
Bake something new each month
Memorize the presidents in order
Make a wish on 12/12/12 at 12:12 (DID!!!)
Have a romantic weekend away in a log cabin
Complete 25 pinterest activites/recipes
Find a church to become a member of (Found one, need to attend more and become a member)
Send out Christmas Cards (DID 2011)
Soak in hotsprings
Walk a marathon
Complete the fight for air climb in 30 minutes or less
Lose 20lbs
Make and bury a time capsule
Collect all 50 state quarters
Be a Big Brother/Sister
Give at least one handmade gift to close family and friends
Go to a Packer Game
Adopt a family for Christmas
Do 10 random acts of kindness
Handwrite each of my children a letter to open on their 18th birthday
Watch all of the Star Wars movies (3/6)
Send a message in a bottle
Go tubing down a river
Buy a present for someone without a reason

Inner Voice

9 Jan

Image

I have read this quote a lot lately, and tonight I feel compelled to write on it.

My stepdad would not have won father of the year awards, even though he was my dad from basically 2 years old up.  

One of the memories that really stand out to me:

My stepfather and mother had a BBQ or camping trip, or something planned.  While my mom was at work, my chore was to make potato salad.  I had no idea how, and this was before the days of computers in MY home.

My mom told me to chop up the potatoes, boil them, and then stick them in the fridge and when they were cooled my step dad would deal with them.  I had never made potato salad, and when my mom cooked potatoes we always did it with the skins on.  

So I chopped up and boiled over 10 pounds of potatoes.  I had to use different pans to cook it all.  I was just straining the first pan, and my step dad walked in the kitchen.  I remember being smacked across the back of the head, and I can still hear his words ring out.

“Are you a fucking idiot? You dont make potato salad with the skins on”
“Dad, I didnt know and mom-“
“Don’t tell me your mom told you to do this with the skins on.  What do you have fucking shit for brains?”
“No”
“Peel the skins of every one of these fucking things, now”
“But Dad, its too ho-“
“Should have done it before you cooked it that way”

And then I had to sit at the table and peel all the skins off, my hands were blistering, I didnt have gloves to use, I cried silently as I did it.

Some of his favorite insults were:

Shit for brains
Stupid fucking kid
Liar
Moron
Lazy ass
Bitch
Cunt
Money grubbing brat
Fat
A member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee
Unbalanced
Crazy
Uncoordinated
Just-like-my-useless-fucking-father
Slob
Ugly
Acne Factory
Good-for-nothing
Unlovable

And the list goes on…

My inner voice sounds suspiciously like his..

When I get less then a 100 on a test, I remind myself that I really am stupid and this proves it.
Last night when I attempted to make fried chicken and it wasnt perfect, I reminded myself that all I do is fail so why try.
When my house is a mess and I am so depressed I cant move, I remind myself that I am a lazy, good-for-nothing-slob.
I call myself every name he has ever uttered at me, multiple times a day.

I remind myself that I am unlovable and soon my husband will leave me over it.

My boobs are too small, my skin is disgusting, I am fat….

I am not as good as my sister…

I will never amount to anything so why am I wasting money on school?

*I* tore a family apart.  *I* asked for it.  Its *MY* fault.

You know.

The scars from the abuse are gone.  The trauma from the rape is tolerable.  But the complete breakdown of my self esteem is impossible.  I cry all the time over how much I want to love myself, but when you are told things like this, DAILY for over 13 years, its ingrained in you.

Please don’t ruin your children.

Please don’t break their spirit, their soul, their dreams.

Don’t tell them they are nothing, stupid, or ugly.

Build them up, because reprogramming your inner voice is something I have tried to do for many, many long hard years, and I still am not even close to LIKING myself, let alone, loving myself.