8 years ago [may trigger]

4 Jan

On January 4th, 2005 I took my life in my own hands.

I was sexually abused for the last time that day.  I remember, being called home from school because my stepdad claimed I left the heating blanket on and caused a small fire in my room.  The entire ride home I knew he was going to beat me.  I knew I was going to be punished.  I still remember the chill in the air.  The sound of silence as I raced home, terrified. 

I remember walking through the door, the smell of an omelet that he had just cooked.  It had green peppers in it, I remember the remains sitting on the counter.  I had a test in science that day, and needed to get back to class.  The last thing I wanted was to spend my entire day with him.  I walked down the basement steps quietly, controlling my fear and my breathing.  As I reached the bottom I felt a large hand punch me in the chest.  My eyes burned, the tears betrayed me and began to fall.

He grabbed me by the hair and drug me into my bedroom. 

“You see this you little bitch, you almost burned my house down”
“Dad, I, I didn’t mean to leave it on” I knew when I said that, that he was going to hate my answer “I was in a rush to get to school for my test in English first period” I lied.  [I remember praying, begging God not to let him hurt me again]

He pushed me onto the couch I had in my bedroom.  I closed my eyes because I knew what was next.  He grabbed me and told me to “open my fucking eyes”

I wont go into detail, but he raped me then, like he had done countless times before.

When he was done I thanked him, like he had taught me, to avoid another beating.

He got up and said “clean this shit up, I am walking downtown, when you are done, get your ass back to school”  And with that, my monster left.  I never saw him in that house again.  I gathered up all my clothes and threw them in a duffel bag that I had just gotten for Christmas.  I said goodbye to my cat, and my dog.  I went to school and I begged my best friend to take me to the greyhound station in Eau Claire after school.

I revealed to my friends what had been going on.  Most of them were simply disgusted by me.  After all, I let it happen right?  I haven’t really spoken to any of them since.  Most of the things I have heard said about me, breaks my heart.  I miss the friendship I thought I had there.

When I got out of school we went to my job to pick up my check.  I told a coworker what was happening and I remember just crying to her.  She really truly cared what happened to me next.  I love that girl.  We cashed my check and went to Eau Claire to get on the bus.  We got Chinese food and shared our last meal together.  The bus came and I boarded. 

I went to Denver.  I went to the man I had been talking to online.  That man is now my husband.

I lost my family the day I ran away and turned him in.  I lost my credibility, my friends, my home, my pets, my comfort, my everything.  It was worth it.  I wouldn’t give up my family for anything, but I really miss what I thought I had back at home.

Sometimes I wish people understood that when you are raped, more is taken from you then just the physical things you would think.  I lost so much when I decided to turn him in. 

Sometimes, you have to give up what is comfortable to gain safety.


3 Responses to “8 years ago [may trigger]”

  1. bipolartruth January 5, 2013 at 9:02 am #

    I didn’t realize how much I would lose when I finally opened up to people what had happened to me too… I lost my friends and my church and all my faith and trust that I ever had in people in general.

    • missmindi January 5, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

      I lost my church as well, that was something I didnt talk about but my pastor made it very clear I was not welcome there anymore when all this came out.

  2. cupitonians February 17, 2013 at 5:47 pm #

    You are so strong. You’re not a victim, you’re a survivor! Hugs.

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