Last night I talked about how I couldn’t sleep.
I was thinking about grooming behavior. I was thinking about the signs my mom may have missed.
And then, I had a moment of clarity.
When I went through puberty he began to tell me things.
He used to tell me that he heard me masturbating in my sleep, and I should keep it down at night. He would tell me that I woke him up again last night.
The problem is, in the 8 years we have been together my husband has never caught me….the dreams I had those nights were dark, not sexy. I remember feeling violated every single time he would say it.
My mind then started wondering, what if he started violating me in my sleep before he did it when I was awake. I sleep through damn near everything except my crying babies. I would wake up with no underwear on and I thought I just took them off in my sleep…or my brain convinced me of that to protect me.
If the abuse started before I was 16 would it change that I was abused?
No, a day, a week, or a year is too long for abuse, so the length of time is irrelevant.
Would it make me more of a victim?
So why am I dwelling on it? Why do I feel like I need the answer?
Cause I am a masochist?