What If?

Last night I talked about how I couldn’t sleep.

I was thinking about grooming behavior.  I was thinking about the signs my mom may have missed.

And then, I had a moment of clarity.

When I went through puberty he began to tell me things.

He used to tell me that he heard me masturbating in my sleep, and I should keep it down at night.  He would tell me that I woke him up again last night. 

The problem is, in the 8 years we have been together my husband has never caught me….the dreams I had those nights were dark, not sexy.  I remember feeling violated every single time he would say it. 

My mind then started wondering, what if he started violating me in my sleep before he did it when I was awake.  I sleep through damn near everything except my crying babies.  I would wake up with no underwear on and I thought I just took them off in my sleep…or my brain convinced me of that to protect me.

If the abuse started before I was 16 would it change that I was abused?

No, a day, a week, or a year is too long for abuse, so the length of time is irrelevant.

Would it make me more of a victim? 

Nope.

So why am I dwelling on it?  Why do I feel like I need the answer?

Cause I am a masochist?