Let’s Revist Day Zero List

9 Jan

A day zero project is a list of 101 days you want to accomplish is 1001 days!
Here is my list

You can also follow my progress here.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Aug 09, 2012 – May 07, 2015

Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
Leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find
Get a job (I have actually gotten two since this started, but as they were both temporary they have both ended).
Watch 26 movies I’ve never seen starting with each letter of the Alphabet
Go on a road trip
Complete a 365 day photo challenge
Go on a picnic
Build a snowman
Ride in a hot air balloon
Make a birthday cake for someone (I made a ladybug cake for my friends daughter who turned 1)
Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor
Read 100 books
Get a passport
Graduate
Identify 100 things that make me happy (I will be posting this list tomorrow)
Influence a person to make a day zero list (I have influenced at least 3)
Spend a rainy day watching films in my PJ’s
See a drive-in movie
Visit the Grand Canyon (Arizona)
Go to Las Vegas
Learn a poem by heart
Make a custom recipe book
Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet
Make homemade pasta noodles
Make a list of my 10 favorite restaurants to eat at. Eat at each and photograph
Make a list of cities I want to visit
Make a list of friends to keep in touch with regularly (I have made this one)
Make a list of 20 things that I like about myself and stick it to my mirror (I just havent stuck it to my mirror.)
Read 20 book from Modern Library’s List of 100 Best Books of the 20th Century
Set up an emergency fund
Tip 100%
Save a 3-month emergency fund
Make fondue
Try 20 new recipes
Learn to make corn chowder (It was the most amazing corn chowder I have ever eaten)
Go to 10 restaurants I’ve never eaten in before
Make a three course meal for my family
Try 5 new cocktails
Go a month without eating fast food
Open a cookbook to a random page and make whatever is on it
Try sushi (I tried a CRUNCH roll, it was so yummy)
Stop drinking soda
Go on a brewery tour
Learn how to make sushi
Make a cheesecake from scratch (Super easy, and super good)
Visit a new city
Visit one new state
Make a list of 50 places I would like to visit in my lifetime
Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days is over (I will be posting that here as well, I have completed it though.)
Write another list of 101 things to do for the next 1001 days
Write 1000 words a day for a month
Write a short story only using alphabet spaghetti
Pick 5 people who have changed my life and write each of them a letter
Write a living will
Write on 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/ (I have written on one, I need to get on this)
Buy a moleskine
Participate in NaNoWriMo
Write a love letter to my husband
Write a list of 101 things I’ve already achieved in this lifetime (This has been completed, it will be posted to this blog)
Write a handwritten letter to someone (Completed)
Write a list of 100 things that make me angry
Go a whole week without swearing
Write a personal mission statement
Compliment someone every day for a week
Go a week with no cellphone, computer or TV
Take a Young Me Now Me picture http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/
Buy a professional camera
Get my picture taken with Santa
Document a “day in my life” in photographs
Take a picture of myself everyday for a year
Take pictures in a photo booth
Have dinner by candlelight
Climb a mountain
Keep a “My Day in Six Words” journal for 6 months
Research my family tree (I learned a lot!)
Discover some new podcasts to listen to (Complete)
Start a compost bin
Have a yard sale
Bake something new each month
Memorize the presidents in order
Make a wish on 12/12/12 at 12:12 (DID!!!)
Have a romantic weekend away in a log cabin
Complete 25 pinterest activites/recipes
Find a church to become a member of (Found one, need to attend more and become a member)
Send out Christmas Cards (DID 2011)
Soak in hotsprings
Walk a marathon
Complete the fight for air climb in 30 minutes or less
Lose 20lbs
Make and bury a time capsule
Collect all 50 state quarters
Be a Big Brother/Sister
Give at least one handmade gift to close family and friends
Go to a Packer Game
Adopt a family for Christmas
Do 10 random acts of kindness
Handwrite each of my children a letter to open on their 18th birthday
Watch all of the Star Wars movies (3/6)
Send a message in a bottle
Go tubing down a river
Buy a present for someone without a reason

Inner Voice

9 Jan

Image

I have read this quote a lot lately, and tonight I feel compelled to write on it.

My stepdad would not have won father of the year awards, even though he was my dad from basically 2 years old up.  

One of the memories that really stand out to me:

My stepfather and mother had a BBQ or camping trip, or something planned.  While my mom was at work, my chore was to make potato salad.  I had no idea how, and this was before the days of computers in MY home.

My mom told me to chop up the potatoes, boil them, and then stick them in the fridge and when they were cooled my step dad would deal with them.  I had never made potato salad, and when my mom cooked potatoes we always did it with the skins on.  

So I chopped up and boiled over 10 pounds of potatoes.  I had to use different pans to cook it all.  I was just straining the first pan, and my step dad walked in the kitchen.  I remember being smacked across the back of the head, and I can still hear his words ring out.

“Are you a fucking idiot? You dont make potato salad with the skins on”
“Dad, I didnt know and mom-“
“Don’t tell me your mom told you to do this with the skins on.  What do you have fucking shit for brains?”
“No”
“Peel the skins of every one of these fucking things, now”
“But Dad, its too ho-“
“Should have done it before you cooked it that way”

And then I had to sit at the table and peel all the skins off, my hands were blistering, I didnt have gloves to use, I cried silently as I did it.

Some of his favorite insults were:

Shit for brains
Stupid fucking kid
Liar
Moron
Lazy ass
Bitch
Cunt
Money grubbing brat
Fat
A member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee
Unbalanced
Crazy
Uncoordinated
Just-like-my-useless-fucking-father
Slob
Ugly
Acne Factory
Good-for-nothing
Unlovable

And the list goes on…

My inner voice sounds suspiciously like his..

When I get less then a 100 on a test, I remind myself that I really am stupid and this proves it.
Last night when I attempted to make fried chicken and it wasnt perfect, I reminded myself that all I do is fail so why try.
When my house is a mess and I am so depressed I cant move, I remind myself that I am a lazy, good-for-nothing-slob.
I call myself every name he has ever uttered at me, multiple times a day.

I remind myself that I am unlovable and soon my husband will leave me over it.

My boobs are too small, my skin is disgusting, I am fat….

I am not as good as my sister…

I will never amount to anything so why am I wasting money on school?

*I* tore a family apart.  *I* asked for it.  Its *MY* fault.

You know.

The scars from the abuse are gone.  The trauma from the rape is tolerable.  But the complete breakdown of my self esteem is impossible.  I cry all the time over how much I want to love myself, but when you are told things like this, DAILY for over 13 years, its ingrained in you.

Please don’t ruin your children.

Please don’t break their spirit, their soul, their dreams.

Don’t tell them they are nothing, stupid, or ugly.

Build them up, because reprogramming your inner voice is something I have tried to do for many, many long hard years, and I still am not even close to LIKING myself, let alone, loving myself.

 

8 years ago [may trigger]

4 Jan

On January 4th, 2005 I took my life in my own hands.

I was sexually abused for the last time that day.  I remember, being called home from school because my stepdad claimed I left the heating blanket on and caused a small fire in my room.  The entire ride home I knew he was going to beat me.  I knew I was going to be punished.  I still remember the chill in the air.  The sound of silence as I raced home, terrified. 

I remember walking through the door, the smell of an omelet that he had just cooked.  It had green peppers in it, I remember the remains sitting on the counter.  I had a test in science that day, and needed to get back to class.  The last thing I wanted was to spend my entire day with him.  I walked down the basement steps quietly, controlling my fear and my breathing.  As I reached the bottom I felt a large hand punch me in the chest.  My eyes burned, the tears betrayed me and began to fall.

He grabbed me by the hair and drug me into my bedroom. 

“You see this you little bitch, you almost burned my house down”
“Dad, I, I didn’t mean to leave it on” I knew when I said that, that he was going to hate my answer “I was in a rush to get to school for my test in English first period” I lied.  [I remember praying, begging God not to let him hurt me again]

He pushed me onto the couch I had in my bedroom.  I closed my eyes because I knew what was next.  He grabbed me and told me to “open my fucking eyes”

I wont go into detail, but he raped me then, like he had done countless times before.

When he was done I thanked him, like he had taught me, to avoid another beating.

He got up and said “clean this shit up, I am walking downtown, when you are done, get your ass back to school”  And with that, my monster left.  I never saw him in that house again.  I gathered up all my clothes and threw them in a duffel bag that I had just gotten for Christmas.  I said goodbye to my cat, and my dog.  I went to school and I begged my best friend to take me to the greyhound station in Eau Claire after school.

I revealed to my friends what had been going on.  Most of them were simply disgusted by me.  After all, I let it happen right?  I haven’t really spoken to any of them since.  Most of the things I have heard said about me, breaks my heart.  I miss the friendship I thought I had there.

When I got out of school we went to my job to pick up my check.  I told a coworker what was happening and I remember just crying to her.  She really truly cared what happened to me next.  I love that girl.  We cashed my check and went to Eau Claire to get on the bus.  We got Chinese food and shared our last meal together.  The bus came and I boarded. 

I went to Denver.  I went to the man I had been talking to online.  That man is now my husband.

I lost my family the day I ran away and turned him in.  I lost my credibility, my friends, my home, my pets, my comfort, my everything.  It was worth it.  I wouldn’t give up my family for anything, but I really miss what I thought I had back at home.

Sometimes I wish people understood that when you are raped, more is taken from you then just the physical things you would think.  I lost so much when I decided to turn him in. 

Sometimes, you have to give up what is comfortable to gain safety.

Day Zero Challenge

16 Aug

A day zero project is a list of 101 days you want to accomplish is 1001 days!
Here is my list

You can also follow my progress here.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Aug 09, 2012 – May 07, 2015

Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
Leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find
Get a job
Watch 26 movies I’ve never seen starting with each letter of the Alphabet
Go on a road trip
Complete a 365 day photo challenge
Go on a picnic
Build a snowman
Ride in a hot air balloon
Make a birthday cake for someone
Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor
Read 100 books
Get a passport
Graduate
Identify 100 things that make me happy
Influence a person to make a day zero list
Spend a rainy day watching films in my PJ’s
See a drive-in movie
Visit the Grand Canyon (Arizona)
Go to Las Vegas
Learn a poem by heart
Make a custom recipe book
Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet
Make homemade pasta noodles
Make a list of my 10 favorite restaurants to eat at. Eat at each and photograph
Make a list of cities I want to visit
Make a list of friends to keep in touch with regularly
Make a list of 20 things that I like about myself and stick it to my mirror
Read 20 book from Modern Library’s List of 100 Best Books of the 20th Century
Set up an emergency fund
Tip 100%
Save a 3-month emergency fund
Make fondue
Try 20 new recipes
Learn to make corn chowder
Go to 10 restaurants I’ve never eaten in before
Make a three course meal for my family
Try 5 new cocktails
Go a month without eating fast food
Open a cookbook to a random page and make whatever is on it
Try sushi
Stop drinking soda
Go on a brewery tour
Learn how to make sushi
Make a cheesecake from scratch
Visit a new city
Visit one new state
Make a list of 50 places I would like to visit in my lifetime
Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days is over
Write another list of 101 things to do for the next 1001 days
Write 1000 words a day for a month
Write a short story only using alphabet spaghetti
Pick 5 people who have changed my life and write each of them a letter
Write a living will
Write on 20 creative writing prompts. http://creativewritingprompts.com/
Buy a moleskine
Participate in NaNoWriMo
Write a love letter to my husband
Write a list of 101 things I’ve already achieved in this lifetime
Write a handwritten letter to someone
Write a list of 100 things that make me angry
Go a whole week without swearing
Write a personal mission statement
Compliment someone every day for a week
Go a week with no cellphone, computer or TV
Take a Young Me Now Me picture http://www.zefrank.com/youngmenowme/
Buy a professional camera
Get my picture taken with Santa
Document a “day in my life” in photographs
Take a picture of myself everyday for a year
Take pictures in a photo booth
Have dinner by candlelight
Climb a mountain
Keep a “My Day in Six Words” journal for 6 months
Research my family tree
Discover some new podcasts to listen to
Start a compost bin
Have a yard sale
Bake something new each month
Memorize the presidents in order
Make a wish on 12/12/12 at 12:12
Have a romantic weekend away in a log cabin
Complete 25 pinterest activites/recipes
Find a church to become a member of
Send out Christmas Cards
Soak in hotsprings
Walk a marathon
Complete the fight for air climb in 30 minutes or less
Lose 20lbs
Make and bury a time capsule
Collect all 50 state quarters
Be a Big Brother/Sister
Give at least one handmade gift to close family and friends
Go to a Packer Game
Adopt a family for Christmas
Do 10 random acts of kindness
Handwrite each of my children a letter to open on their 18th birthday
Watch all of the Star Wars movies
Send a message in a bottle
Go tubing down a river
Buy a present for someone without a reason

Breakfast Ideas

15 Aug

I dont have any pictures, but I have two yummy breakfast recipes.

The first is chocolate banana pancakes

Ingredients

1 overripe banana
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup (75g) fat free yogurt
1/4 cup water
(water and yogurt can be replaced with 1/2 cup skim milk)
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup sweetened cocoa powder (20g)
1/2 cup (60g) whole wheat flour (I used whole wheat white)
pinch of powder sugar for presentation (optional)

Method

Mash the banana in a medium bowl. Add the egg, vanilla, yogurt, and water. Whisk until a bit frothy and smooth.
In a smaller bowl mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder and cocoa powder. Sift it into the banana mixture. Mix until just blended. It will be thick.
Use a ladle to drop some batter on a non-stick skillet or griddle over medium heat sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Cook about 1-2 minutes per side; when bubbles form on one side, its time to flip them over.
Drizzle with some powdered sugar, or pancake syrup of your choice, and serve

I got the recipe from here.

I also made Cinnamon roll waffles!

You take the cinnamon rolls in the tubes, put a cinnamon roll in the waffle maker. We used the icing as a dip instead of using syrup! Yummy!

Both of these were amazing!

Challenges

14 Aug

I recently read a book by Dave Ramsey.  If you haven’t read it I really, really recommend it.  All of his books are really good.  Money is the one thing in my life that completely stresses me out.  I need to learn to control my money and make it work for me.  My first step is to get an emergency fund.  Its going to only be a basic emergency fund per Dave’s program.

I am doing a few challenges on a forum I am on as well.  

2012 fling challenge

I want to throw away 2012 things by January 1st.  My total count so far is 1 item haha.

2012 minutes of organizing

I am horrible at organizing so I want to do 2012 minutes of it by January 1st!  My total count so far 0 Minutes

20 pinterest projects

I want to do 5 projects a month starting in September until January!  You will get full details on them all of course.

Blogging 32 times

I want to do 8 blogs a month until January!

This is of course a short blog, but its only the beginning!

52 Date Night Challenge

27 Jul

My husband signed up for his first semester of classes today. Our schedule will look as such..

8 AM-Mindi leaves
11:30 AM Jeff leaves and drops the kids off at moms
1:45 PM Mindi picks kids up from moms
8:15 PM Jeff heads home

This means a date night is completely something we can no longer skip. We will need this time to be together, to see each other, and to stay close. We are doing a 52 date night challenge.

Every Friday night (Jeff doesn’t have classes that day I am only at my internship until 2) we will have a date night. We will take turns planning our date nights and we will completely disconnect from technology. No phones or computers after 5 PM. Most of our dates will be at home. And you will get a detailed entry of it that weekend.

I am so excited for this! Do you have any date ideas? Come on, help me out.